So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
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