the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
My vagina is very pro this idea
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
