come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
