Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
