So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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