she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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