I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You ruined the universe
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
