I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
