Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
