Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
