Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
