i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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