hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
