it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
did you just send me my own nude
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Randomize
