you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
