I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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