mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
