my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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