Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
