Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
i barfeds in our rink
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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