Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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