Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
