I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
