if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
