Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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