the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
