Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
