I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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