he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
