Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
as a side note pls kill me
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
