Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
