I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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