Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Someone came in the potted fern
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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