Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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