remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
