There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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