she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
