Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
