How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
