I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
