do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
