Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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