watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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