and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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