I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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