Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
