This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
