I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
