guys are not supposed to queef...right?
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
