wanna go halves on a baby?
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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